Friday 9 September 2016

Top 10 ways to find Peace with Autism

1.     Find the boundaries of what we can and cannot control. When we know this, we know when to push, when to hold and when to let go. We learn to honour others and ourselves and go with the process. We conserve energy too.

2.     Recognise others’ rights to self determination and autonomy. This helps us accept the choices of others, including our Autistic loved ones. When we take over inappropriately, without invitation, we enable, we create helplessness, and massive power struggles.

3.     Allow others to own their decisions, the outcomes and their feelings about it. This helps us stop taking responsibility for feelings that do not belong to us, and interfering or rescuing unnecessarily. We all learn more fully when we can own our decisions and feelings and what they bring to us. Our ASD loved ones need this skill to face the world and function effectively. We need to stand beside them, not in front of them.

4.     Let go of the need for others approval. This can complicate our lives tremendously and cause much internal conflict. Gaining approval is a lot of work and can steer us from the real issues at hand. Autism can be hard to please, and we need to accept that or we will be eggshell walking for life.

5.     Let go of ideas of normal/abnormal, right/wrong. When we open up to possibilities that don’t involve these, we become more accepting of the way things are, and reduce our internal conflict immensely. No longer do we feel the need to force things into boxes and make things fit. What freedom.

6.     Let go of unnecessary rules. Some rules keep us safe and we need these, but many rules need to be questioned and let go. Can you adequately explain why we need to use a knife and fork besides, ‘because that is what we are supposed to do’? Trying to keep all the usual rules in Autism is stressful.

7.     Drop expectation. It is OK to be imperfect, make mistakes and fail. That is what people do. To give ourselves permission to do this on the Autism journey will help reduce our angst to get it ‘right’. It will help us let go when others are imperfect too. We are really just making it up as we go along. Without too many expectations, we can see other possibilities.

8.     Believe others are intrinsically good. People really do want to help, especially if they sense we respect them. When we are open, others open too. Life gets smoother when we work with the knowledge that people are intrinsically good, even when they are having bad days, or months or years.

9.     Accept the wholeness of others. We all have many sides and are capable of many things (likeable and unlikeable). When we are adamant that our loved ones are to be a certain way and we shame them for not being that way, we can create a rod for our own backs. We can create power struggles that absorb us. We need to look deeply, honestly and compassionately when we and others choose challenging ways to behave.

10. Accept ASD is here to grow us and others. It is wonderful to consider the benefits of Autism to the world. Autism is changing us all. When we feel and work with such a sense of purpose, we flow more smoothly and our challenging times become part of the process. Our outlook is hopeful and we can find a silver lining anywhere.