Neurodiverse Communication

Dear Herscue and Jomphrey,

I wish my Asperger's husband would notice when I need help and offer. I always hope he will notice how busy and stressed I am, but he doesn’t. I feel alone and unsupported. How can I change this?

Jess QLD

 

Herscue says:

I resonate deeply with this challenge, and I am sure many others do too. We all like to be ‘seen’ in our struggle and to be supported accordingly. It would be nice if our partners could offer this. I believe they can offer us support. It just may not involve reading our minds or reading the situation.

I think it is important that we pay attention to the stories we tell ourselves about our partners and the ‘lack of support’. Some of my favourite stories are, “He doesn’t care about me”, “He’s self-obsessed”, and “I am not important enough to help”. These stories are often untrue, but their effects can be devastating to us, and divisive in our relationships. These stories can contribute to feelings of powerlessness, and they build resentment and encourage us to act in ways that are not helpful or aligned with our values.

This is also an opportunity to explore how we feel about asking for help. Times like this expose our fears to ask for the help we need. Do we feel able to ask our partner and are we ready for their response? We cannot control that response, but we can work out what to do next. We may need to nurse our disappointment (or our grief). We may have to look other places for the support we need. We probably need to alter what we expect. We may not be acknowledging our partner's challenges with executive functioning (organisational skills), and verbal processing. And we may be demanding too much of ourselves to compensate, and unduly stressing ourselves. Or we may be surprised as our partner actually helps us. Our new story may be, “I can get the support I need if I ask someone.” We are responsible for getting the help we need, just as we are responsible for our feelings about it. The Aspies in our lives teach us this.

Jomphrey says:

Your Aspie partner is not a mind reader. Your Aspie partner works on directive literality eg: “See that bin there? Take it out to the curb side.” By the way, what you wish for and what is steeped in reality may be two different things. There is no way known that your husband has changed in this regard over the course of your relationship. He is consistent. He hasn’t changed. You knew what you were getting yourself into. If you want something done, my advice is these three words: “Don’t wish – direct”.