Sunday 20 November 2016

Need to feel some love?

Self care Challenge.........


Curl up with a dog. Or whatever pet is available and willing; a cat, rabbit, fish bowl, a favourite pot plant. If there is no living pet or plant, a rock will do. Feel the unconditional love (or imagine it, if it is a rock). They have no expectation of us, no judgment. They don’t mind if we wear pyjamas, or brush our teeth, or don’t keep the house clean.  They take us how we come, and when we come. We won’t hear a rock ask us for a thing. Breathe in the peace. Spoon away. Ahhhhhh.

 

Friday 4 November 2016

A Match made in Heaven

As a neurotypical have you ever been the odd one out? Yesterday I had the pleasure of experiencing this. I call it a pleasure, because I have learned to enjoy my ‘out of the square’ experiences, thanks to living in my neurodiverse family.   While I am the odd one out in my family, what made this experience more delightful was that it involved someone who was not a part of my family.

I had gone to pick up my Aspie teenage daughter Humphrey, from her Aspie teenage friend’s house. I shall call him Wilbur (yes, he actually is male). I stood at the kitchen bench while I waited for Humphrey and Wilbur to finish their poorly timed lunch break. Humphrey wandered over to the kitchen cupboard to retrieve herself a cup. I felt that tug-o-war within. One end was held by my horror that Humphrey was helping herself to someone else’s cupboard without asking first. The other end was held by my delight that she felt so comfortable in a place other than her own space at home.
Unable to resist I announced in a sarcastic tone, “I am so glad you’re comfortable enough to help yourself to Wilbur’s cupboards.” Humphrey, picking up my subtle wrist slap (she’d had enough of them over the years to read the intention) responded with, “I don’t like people having to do things for me.”

As I processed and related to her sentiment, and was about to respond, Wilbur piped up excited by his discovery, “Excellent! I don’t like to do things for people! We are a match made in heaven!”
God I love Aspie logic! They make so much sense! Where else would a conversation like this evolve other than an Aspie kitchen? The sublime honesty, the pleasure in things fitting together, the authentic sharing. It was a delight to witness. No mind reading, no subtle inferences (other than my sarcastic interjection), no shoulds or oughts, rights or wrongs. No offence given and none taken. Complete acceptance of the way that it is. And it is exactly the way it is. I love learning from Aspies.

Friday 28 October 2016

Top 10 things I want my ASD partner to know.......


1.   I frequently feel split. Sometimes I love and admire you so much I could burst. Other times I am so challenged by your way of being I do burst. All over both of us. Sorry about that.


2.   I am sorry if I seem critical, or if it feels like I want to change you. Sometimes I struggle with what you do and how you respond. I love you and I want us to work so much. The only way I know how is to try and make you and me better.
 

3.   Sometimes you trigger something deep in me that really hurts. I don’t always know how to manage that. I may need some time to work out if the issue is mine or yours or both of ours. You are a great mirror. You help me see my own wounds. I am learning to deal with these.
 

4.   I appreciate your loyalty to me. I would love to see it extend to thinking or wondering more about my needs, or even asking how you could help me. Sometimes I feel alone managing all that I do. I like to feel that you are there.
 

5.   Hello! I am here! I know you get very busy and absorbed doing what you do, but sometimes I feel forgotten. Come and pat me, tell me you love me, ask me what I am doing. Show me that you know I am here.
 

6.   I know you get very frustrated and it is hard to manage those feelings. But you need to know when you let loose all that rage, it frightens me. I may shout back or withdraw from you, but that is what I do to manage my feelings. I am always looking for a different way but sometimes I can’t find one.
 

7.   I would like to develop strategies with you. It is hard to do without patronising or criticising you, or making you feel small. Sometimes my word choice is clumsy. I want to support you to take responsibility for your feelings and actions, just as I am trying to take responsibility for mine.


8.   Sometimes I get so overwhelmed with all I cannot control, that I feel helpless and hopeless. I know you know this feeling. Please don’t feel bad. I am just exhausted and struggling to find new ways to understand, to see, and to be with our life together.


9.   I love how you are different from others and I celebrate your uniqueness and your gifts. But sometimes I struggle with that difference when it shows up in ways that expose us both. I am trying to let go of my attachment to ‘normal’, but it is deeply entrenched in me. I want you to be free to be who you are. Sometimes I forget that it is OK.


10.  Sometimes I want more companionship, conversation or intimacy from you than you may feel ready or able to give. Rather than try to manipulate you or force you, I will try to take responsibility for this and manage my needs through other appropriate channels. I love us both enough to honour your need for solitude, and my need for connection.

While I am at it I will just add 3 more:

11.  Sometimes I am awkward around you. I want to say something but I don’t know how to tell you in a way that will not hurt your feelings, or make you anxious and angry. I want you to know I still love you, even when I have unpleasant things to say.


12.  I know you do not like to be interrupted, but sometimes life happens unexpectedly and I have to interrupt you because I need to consult with you, get your opinion, or get your assistance. We are a team and that is how a team works.


13. When I am distressed, I just need you to listen. You don’t have to fix anything or tell me what you think. You just need to pay attention to me and to say “I’m sorry that happened”, or “Is there anything I can do?” This tells me you care about me and I feel heard and loved.

 

Sunday 16 October 2016

The Angry Aspie


Dear Herscue and Jomphrey,
Sometimes my Aspie partner gets furious when something does not work. He shouts and swears and throws things. Sometimes he hurts himself. How can I manage this?


Herscue says:
It can be distressing and unpleasant to hear someone we care about having such a loud and intense expression of anger. We can feel frightened, intimidated and even threatened. A few things can help these situations:
·         Taking care of ourselves in the moment. This is not the time to express our feelings to our partner, but to look after our needs and create physical and emotional safety. That may look like removing ourselves to another room, or to another location.

·         Exploring our reaction to the anger. The way we react can help or hinder. What is our relationship to anger as expressed by others? As expressed by ourselves? Where is our line? Is our line allowing enough room for some anger expression? Or is our line over exposing us to too much unhealthy anger expression? It can help to explore our experience of anger with a professional, who can support us to reflect on our boundaries, and take responsibility for how we respond.

·         Finding empathy for the frustration our partner is experiencing. We all know what it is like when something won’t do what we want or need. Empathy can help us stay in a more loving, respectful, and less judgmental space when we deal with others’ anger.

·         Remembering that we cannot control when, why and how someone expresses their anger, but we can express how it is for us. Choose a calm, open time to do this, and express authentically eg, “I feel helpless and scared when you are so angry. I want to offer you support but I don’t know how to do it. Do you have any suggestions for me?” Work together towards solutions that suit both partners.

·         Being clear about the forms of anger expression we will not tolerate ie: anger expressed directly at us, intense expressions around children. Share the concerns and the actions we will take to hold that boundary ie: When you direct your anger at me, I feel unsafe and fearful of you. It impacts the way I feel towards you. To look after myself, I will be leaving the house when I see you escalating.”
Don’t expect an easy solution. Remember that neural wiring impacts on our ability to regulate emotion. Those with Asperger’s are frequently distressed at their challenges managing their emotions and the impact this can have on others. It takes time to develop a different way. For all of us. The dialogue about anger is an ongoing one to be had without blaming and shaming. Anger is best dealt with in a loving way, one human to another.

Jomphrey Says:
Firstly, if everyone says Aspies have meltdowns, then your partner is probably having a meltdown. You married one and this is what we do. The Aspie is the one with the problem here. Something has tipped them off balance. It’s not directed at you. My advice is one in, all in. You yell and scream at that thing as well. Really give it some. Share the outrage and be amazed as the situation de-escalates quickly. Then you can worry about your feelings later with your counsellor, priest and all your support team. This is acknowledging. They feel very alone, the Asperger.

Friday 7 October 2016

It's a 'No' from Me!

Self-care Challenge.........


Say ‘No’ all day. There are so many times a day we would like to say no, but we say yes. We feel obliged, we like to be helpful, we cave in to social pressure, we can’t think of a reason quickly enough. There are many reasons ‘yes’ is on our tongue speed dial, especially if we like to please. So we bite off more than we can chew. And feel resentful. I propose this day we say ‘No’ to everything. Can you make my breakfast? No. Can you find my shoes? No. Can you wash these jeans because I need them? No. Can you help me with homework? No. Would you like to buy a raffle ticket? No. Can you run tuckshop today, we’re short? No. Can I take all your energy today? No. Not today. If we need to soften it, we can add a ‘thanks’. ‘No thanks, I don’t need to listen today.’ Make sure you say ‘yes’ to yourself. Would I like to stay home from work today? Yes. Would I like to sit and read? Yes. Would I like to go back to bed? Yes. Would I like to eat that freddo frog in bed? Yes please.

Sunday 2 October 2016

An Aspie Gem

I received a wonderful dose of reality checking this morning. Sometimes we can overestimate how important, how central we are in the life of our Aspies. In fact, we can get quite caught up in the story that we are essential to their functioning, and therefore we station ourselves nearby, and make ourselves constantly available.  We are like a mobile tower, except we receive Aspie signals. This role usually evolved as we struggled early on in our lives together. There have indeed been times when we have been very necessary.

Despite many of us coming to realise this role's capacity to enable the Aspies in our vicinity, we may still slip into it like a favourite old coat. Being central has helped us anticipate, respond and keep order in our house over the years. Not to mention, how it has helped reduce everyone’s anxiety, including our own.   

As a self appointed receiver of Aspie frequencies, I regularly assume my family members need to know where I am at all times, and also when I will not be available to fulfil their needs or their whims (and what they should do because of it). It was while wearing this favourite old coat this morning, that I began to inform my Aspie husband Jomphrey, of what I would be doing, “After breakfast, I am doing some tidying before I start work on my computer....... in case you were wondering,” I added casually. 

Jomphrey stared at me blankly before replying, “But I never wonder.”

Pause. Instantaneously, my thoughts scattered in several directions. One pulled me to that place I frequented for many years (BAC – Before Autism Consciousness); that place of the mortally offended, “You never think about me, selfish thoughtless man!” This neural pathway was deeply embedded. But I knew this was not about selfishness and thoughtlessness. Jomphrey’s head was full of thoughts about rocks, exercise, and interesting sounds. I had long accepted that no matter how still I stood, I could not pass off as a rock.

Another thought went to the place of awe, “My goodness, another pearl has dropped out of his mouth!” His truthfulness, his immediacy, never ceased to shock and amaze me. It was a good thing I was learning to enjoy the truth more than the ‘kind’ white lies that many of us latch onto to break a fall. Jomphrey would have struggled to show interest or answer with, “Thanks, I appreciate you keeping me in the loop.” Within seconds of Jomphrey’s real answer, I knew that my information sharing was superfluous. In my ‘helpful haze’ I had forgotten.

And then my final thought went to the place of recognition and relief, “Yes! That’s right! I am not the centre of his universe!”  The truth be known, I am barely in the same solar system at times. I do not need to orbit around him (or our Aspie daughter Humphrey) like a planet (or a servant). I had been once again assuming I was existing for them. What a lovely reminder for me that I can have my own pocket of space. I had just been given permission to be the centre of my own universe too. And what a tremendous feeling that was. You gotta love those Aspie gems.

Saturday 1 October 2016

Happy Aspie-versary

A recent and delightful Anniversary card from Jomphrey read:

"Dear Herscue,

It’s been a wondrous 23 blissfuls here for us inside the relationships on account of the eccentrics and the loving demeanours. Adventure is the theme and plus is the descriptor. Our matrimonials are adventure plus. So glad you took the nuptials. It’s always a neato to think of how Olsen (wedding minister) transduced the divinities. Thank you for approaching me with love and associated skills – I’m definitely recommending you for another 23 years,

With love plus,

Your husband Jomphrey"
 

Friday 9 September 2016

Top 10 ways to find Peace with Autism

1.     Find the boundaries of what we can and cannot control. When we know this, we know when to push, when to hold and when to let go. We learn to honour others and ourselves and go with the process. We conserve energy too.

2.     Recognise others’ rights to self determination and autonomy. This helps us accept the choices of others, including our Autistic loved ones. When we take over inappropriately, without invitation, we enable, we create helplessness, and massive power struggles.

3.     Allow others to own their decisions, the outcomes and their feelings about it. This helps us stop taking responsibility for feelings that do not belong to us, and interfering or rescuing unnecessarily. We all learn more fully when we can own our decisions and feelings and what they bring to us. Our ASD loved ones need this skill to face the world and function effectively. We need to stand beside them, not in front of them.

4.     Let go of the need for others approval. This can complicate our lives tremendously and cause much internal conflict. Gaining approval is a lot of work and can steer us from the real issues at hand. Autism can be hard to please, and we need to accept that or we will be eggshell walking for life.

5.     Let go of ideas of normal/abnormal, right/wrong. When we open up to possibilities that don’t involve these, we become more accepting of the way things are, and reduce our internal conflict immensely. No longer do we feel the need to force things into boxes and make things fit. What freedom.

6.     Let go of unnecessary rules. Some rules keep us safe and we need these, but many rules need to be questioned and let go. Can you adequately explain why we need to use a knife and fork besides, ‘because that is what we are supposed to do’? Trying to keep all the usual rules in Autism is stressful.

7.     Drop expectation. It is OK to be imperfect, make mistakes and fail. That is what people do. To give ourselves permission to do this on the Autism journey will help reduce our angst to get it ‘right’. It will help us let go when others are imperfect too. We are really just making it up as we go along. Without too many expectations, we can see other possibilities.

8.     Believe others are intrinsically good. People really do want to help, especially if they sense we respect them. When we are open, others open too. Life gets smoother when we work with the knowledge that people are intrinsically good, even when they are having bad days, or months or years.

9.     Accept the wholeness of others. We all have many sides and are capable of many things (likeable and unlikeable). When we are adamant that our loved ones are to be a certain way and we shame them for not being that way, we can create a rod for our own backs. We can create power struggles that absorb us. We need to look deeply, honestly and compassionately when we and others choose challenging ways to behave.

10. Accept ASD is here to grow us and others. It is wonderful to consider the benefits of Autism to the world. Autism is changing us all. When we feel and work with such a sense of purpose, we flow more smoothly and our challenging times become part of the process. Our outlook is hopeful and we can find a silver lining anywhere. 

Thursday 16 June 2016

Feeling Exhausted?

Self-care Challenge........



Stay in pyjamas all day. I don’t really understand why our everyday clothes are not as comfortable as pyjamas. Does anyone else know why? I love soft cotton stretchy pyjamas that don’t bite in when I roll over. The type you can wear so you don’t wake with a fright wondering whose hand is touching you (because your own pyjama numbed arm hasn’t let blood in for 8 hours). Since it is so hard to find day clothes like this, I propose wearing pyjamas all day, then back to bed again that night. Silence any voices, inner or outer, that call you a stinker, a bag lady, a dag, or a frump. In some countries they only bath once a week.

Tuesday 14 June 2016

Neurodiverse Communication


Dear Herscue and Jomphrey,

I wish my Asperger's husband would notice when I need help and offer. I always hope he will notice how busy and stressed I am, but he doesn’t. I feel alone and unsupported. How can I change this?
Jess QLD
 

Herscue says:

I resonate deeply with this challenge, and I am sure many others do too. We all like to be ‘seen’ in our struggle and to be supported accordingly. It would be nice if our partners could offer this. I believe they can offer us support. It just may not involve reading our minds or reading the situation.

I think it is important that we pay attention to the stories we tell ourselves about our partners and the ‘lack of support’. Some of my favourite stories are, “He doesn’t care about me”, “He’s self-obsessed”, and “I am not important enough to help”. These stories are often untrue, but their effects can be devastating to us, and divisive in our relationships. These stories can contribute to feelings of powerlessness, and they build resentment and encourage us to act in ways that are not helpful or aligned with our values.
This is also an opportunity to explore how we feel about asking for help. Times like this expose our fears to ask for the help we need. Do we feel able to ask our partner and are we ready for their response? We cannot control that response, but we can work out what to do next. We may need to nurse our disappointment (or our grief). We may have to look other places for the support we need. We probably need to alter what we expect. We may not be acknowledging our partner's challenges with executive functioning (organisational skills), and verbal processing. And we may be demanding too much of ourselves to compensate, and unduly stressing ourselves. Or we may be surprised as our partner actually helps us. Our new story may be, “I can get the support I need if I ask someone.” We are responsible for getting the help we need, just as we are responsible for our feelings about it. The Aspies in our lives teach us this.

Jomphrey says:

Your Aspie partner is not a mind reader. Your Aspie partner works on directive literality eg: “See that bin there? Take it out to the curb side.” By the way, what you wish for and what is steeped in reality may be two different things. There is no way known that your husband has changed in this regard over the course of your relationship. He is consistent. He hasn’t changed. You knew what you were getting yourself into. If you want something done, my advice is these three words: “Don’t wish – direct”.

Sunday 12 June 2016

The Blurt


It is hard to imagine that we could reframe a ‘blurt’ into something worthy. We have all been on the end of a ‘blurt’ from our Aspie, and after we got over the shock, the hurt or the outrage, we may have felt sure we had to stop the flow of blurts into the world. There is a reason blurt rhymes with hurt.

Yet while we have all been victims of the ‘blurt’, we have all been the perpetrator of the ‘blurt’ too. We have all had times when our mouth has had its own agenda, and some cosmic force used us as a puppet. It has happened to the best of us, and rarely do we have the intent to cause the harm it seems to.

It is interesting then, that when we are on the receiving end of a ‘blurt’, we can feel mortally wounded. Perhaps it is because we know deep down, that what comes forth from the mouth of the blurter, comes from some other place. A place where there is less time to add layers of distortion or untruth upon it. The words arrive without the interference of the censor button, and are delivered straight in the space between blurter and blurtee. Blurted words lay there between one person’s surprise and another’s humiliation (especially if we have a usually working censor). These words may be more authentic and truthful than we care to know. Like salt on a wound, they sting our most tender spots.

What is considered a ‘blurt’ from an Aspie, is really authenticity. It is unadulterated, clean thoughts straight from their heads. If we can learn to get over ourselves and stop judging the package it arrived in, we will see the gold. The Aspie has delivered a message that could be exactly what we needed to hear. It has been my experience over and over. Of course we probably won’t like what we hear. There is a reason the ‘blurt’ is so unpopular. But if we can put down our pride for a moment, we may realise that it is a little gift. Horribly wrapped, but a gift nevertheless.


Just the other day, Humphrey (my now 15 year old ASD daughter) took an out loud note of my ‘back bosoms’. You know that little roll of fat that appears over your bra strap? It makes for a double muffin top; one down over our jeans and one higher up our back.

Now while I could have run with this in many directions, I found myself standing in front of her with my hands up in surrender, “You got me on that one!” I knew those air chips were not really air because the more I ate of them, the bigger those back bosoms grew. I just wanted to pretend it was something else that was completely out of my control. You know, like a middle aged spread or a thyroid condition. I had hoped only I noticed them. Clearly I was not the only one.

Who knows how many air chips I may have gone on to consume? I could have got as far as ankle bosoms and diabetes. Thanks to Humphrey’s lack of diplomacy, I got the reality check that no one else in their social politeness was going to give me. And it didn’t look like I was going to give one to myself.

Maybe it is not ‘shame on the Aspie’ for blurting, but ‘shame on us’ for pretending. Coating our truths in layers of fairy floss, the truth is hard to find. I am not advocating the hurtful blurt, but I am offering another possible way to see the ‘blurt’. We will never fully control what comes out of another’s mouth, nor do we have the right. We can however, control how we see it, where we put it, and what we do with it in response when it comes our way.

And we can support our Aspie loved ones to own their own Truth as their reality, their view, as opposed to an absolute one and only reality. We can encourage them to offer their truth accordingly, and in a way that may be more palatable for a world unready for such intense honesty. And while we are at it, instead of pretending not to see in order to avoid offending others, we can commit to sharing honestly and lovingly for the benefit of us all. There is a part for each of us to play.

Thursday 9 June 2016

Top 10 Ways Autism grows us


Top 10 Ways Autism grows us:


1.    Autism slows us down. While many of us speed up to begin our attack on ASD, in the end, we learn to stop. ASD is not compatible with our crazy fast world. Their sensory life is just not suited. Autism lives in its own sweet time and we have no choice but to end up joining it. And we all benefit. 

2.    Autism builds patience. There is nothing like Autism to help us learn this one. Autism leaves us with little choice as we learn to wait, to honour, to allow. We discover a lot about ourselves and Autism as we let go of force.

3.    Autism removes our blinkers and puts us in touch with a greater reality. We explore the space outside of ‘normal’ and it is an amazing place. There is so much uniqueness and beauty, and so much potential here. Life looks very different from the edges.

4.    Autism alters priorities. Suddenly the things we think matter, do not any longer. We find more important things in life than those traditionally valued. We come to value connection, empathy, kindness, small steps, honesty, and authenticity among many other things. We value time out, and cups of tea. These matter more than what we have and what others think.

5.   Autism stops us grasping for control. We learn that we cannot control another person, we cannot control Autism, and we cannot control what is around the corner. We learn to let go, so we can survive. Trying too hard, forcing square pegs, takes too much from us.

6.    Autism teaches us about power. We learn when to hold on and when to let go. We learn how to use the power we have to make a difference where and when we can. We learn to take responsibility for ourselves and our own business.

7.    Autism builds resilience. Through the many Autism trials, we learn to hold our own. We learn to advocate for our loved ones and ourselves. We get through so much that we become efficient at ‘getting through’. Our skins get tougher and our resources grow.

8.    Autism builds empathy. Autism teaches us about challenge and struggle, as we are pulled into their world. We learn to feel deeply and be with others as they feel deeply. We understand our own and others’ pain. And we feel the joy too.  

9.    Autism deepens us. Autism takes us from skimming life’s surface, into the guts of it. The surface of life loses its interest and we seek deeper connections and deeper understanding. We have to in order to be with Autism.

10.Autism puts us in touch with our wounds and our healing. We get to face all those parts of ourselves that add to our pain and struggle. This is what we have to work with. Autism shows us these wounds and encourages us to seek the connection that helps us to heal.