1. Find
the boundaries of what we can and cannot control. When we know this, we know when to
push, when to hold and when to let go. We learn to honour others and ourselves
and go with the process. We conserve energy too.
2. Recognise
others’ rights to self determination and autonomy. This helps us accept the choices of
others, including our Autistic loved ones. When we take over inappropriately,
without invitation, we enable, we create helplessness, and massive power
struggles.
3. Allow
others to own their decisions, the outcomes and their feelings about it. This helps us stop taking
responsibility for feelings that do not belong to us, and interfering or
rescuing unnecessarily. We all learn more fully when we can own our decisions
and feelings and what they bring to us. Our ASD loved ones need this skill to face
the world and function effectively. We need to stand beside them, not in front
of them.
4. Let
go of the need for others approval.
This can complicate our lives tremendously and cause much internal conflict.
Gaining approval is a lot of work and can steer us from the real issues at
hand. Autism can be hard to please, and we need to accept that or we will be
eggshell walking for life.
5. Let
go of ideas of normal/abnormal, right/wrong. When we open up to possibilities that don’t involve
these, we become more accepting of the way things are, and reduce our internal
conflict immensely. No longer do we feel the need to force things into boxes
and make things fit. What freedom.
6. Let
go of unnecessary rules.
Some rules keep us safe and we need these, but many rules need to be questioned
and let go. Can you adequately explain why we need to use a knife and fork besides,
‘because that is what we are supposed to do’? Trying to keep all the usual rules
in Autism is stressful.
7. Drop
expectation. It is
OK to be imperfect, make mistakes and fail. That is what people do. To give
ourselves permission to do this on the Autism journey will help reduce our
angst to get it ‘right’. It will help us let go when others are imperfect too.
We are really just making it up as we go along. Without too many expectations,
we can see other possibilities.
8. Believe
others are intrinsically good.
People really do want to help, especially if they sense we respect them. When
we are open, others open too. Life gets smoother when we work with the
knowledge that people are intrinsically good, even when they are having bad
days, or months or years.
9. Accept
the wholeness of others.
We all have many sides and are capable of many things (likeable and
unlikeable). When we are adamant that our loved ones are to be a certain way
and we shame them for not being that way, we can create a rod for our own
backs. We can create power struggles that absorb us. We need to look deeply, honestly
and compassionately when we and others choose challenging ways to behave.
10. Accept ASD is here to grow us and
others. It is
wonderful to consider the benefits of Autism to the world. Autism is changing
us all. When we feel and work with such a sense of purpose, we flow more
smoothly and our challenging times become part of the process. Our outlook is
hopeful and we can find a silver lining anywhere.
