Need to feel some love?

Self care Challenge.........

Curl up with a dog. Or whatever pet is available and willing; a cat, rabbit, fish bowl, a favourite pot plant. If there is no living pet or plant, a rock will do. Feel the unconditional love (or imagine it, if it is a rock). They have no expectation of us, no judgment. They don’t mind if we wear pyjamas, or brush our teeth, or don’t keep the house clean.  They take us how we come, and when we come. We won’t hear a rock ask us for a thing. Breathe in the peace. Spoon away. Ahhhhhh.

 

It's a 'No' from Me!

Self-care Challenge.........

Say ‘No’ all day. There are so many times a day we would like to say no, but we say yes. We feel obliged, we like to be helpful, we cave in to social pressure, we can’t think of a reason quickly enough. There are many reasons ‘yes’ is on our tongue speed dial, especially if we like to please. So we bite off more than we can chew. And feel resentful. I propose this day we say ‘No’ to everything. Can you make my breakfast? No. Can you find my shoes? No. Can you wash these jeans because I need them? No. Can you help me with homework? No. Would you like to buy a raffle ticket? No. Can you run tuckshop today, we’re short? No. Can I take all your energy today? No. Not today. If we need to soften it, we can add a ‘thanks’. ‘No thanks, I don’t need to listen today.’ Make sure you say ‘yes’ to yourself. Would I like to stay home from work today? Yes. Would I like to sit and read? Yes. Would I like to go back to bed? Yes. Would I like to eat that freddo frog in bed? Yes please.

An Aspie Gem

I received a wonderful dose of reality checking this morning. Sometimes we can overestimate how important, how central we are in the life of our Aspies. In fact, we can get quite caught up in the story that we are essential to their functioning, and therefore we station ourselves nearby, and make ourselves constantly available.  We are like a mobile tower, except we receive Aspie signals. This role usually evolved as we struggled early on in our lives together. There have indeed been times when we have been very necessary.

Despite many of us coming to realise this role's capacity to enable the Aspies in our vicinity, we may still slip into it like a favourite old coat. Being central has helped us anticipate, respond and keep order in our house over the years. Not to mention, how it has helped reduce everyone’s anxiety, including our own.   

As a self appointed receiver of Aspie frequencies, I regularly assume my family members need to know where I am at all times, and also when I will not be available to fulfil their needs or their whims (and what they should do because of it). It was while wearing this favourite old coat this morning, that I began to inform my Aspie husband Jomphrey, of what I would be doing, “After breakfast, I am doing some tidying before I start work on my computer....... in case you were wondering,” I added casually. 

Jomphrey stared at me blankly before replying, “But I never wonder.”

Pause. Instantaneously, my thoughts scattered in several directions. One pulled me to that place I frequented for many years (BAC – Before Autism Consciousness); that place of the mortally offended, “You never think about me, selfish thoughtless man!” This neural pathway was deeply embedded. But I knew this was not about selfishness and thoughtlessness. Jomphrey’s head was full of thoughts about rocks, exercise, and interesting sounds. I had long accepted that no matter how still I stood, I could not pass off as a rock.

Another thought went to the place of awe, “My goodness, another pearl has dropped out of his mouth!” His truthfulness, his immediacy, never ceased to shock and amaze me. It was a good thing I was learning to enjoy the truth more than the ‘kind’ white lies that many of us latch onto to break a fall. Jomphrey would have struggled to show interest or answer with, “Thanks, I appreciate you keeping me in the loop.” Within seconds of Jomphrey’s real answer, I knew that my information sharing was superfluous. In my ‘helpful haze’ I had forgotten.

And then my final thought went to the place of recognition and relief, “Yes! That’s right! I am not the centre of his universe!”  The truth be known, I am barely in the same solar system at times. I do not need to orbit around him (or our Aspie daughter Humphrey) like a planet (or a servant). I had been once again assuming I was existing for them. What a lovely reminder for me that I can have my own pocket of space. I had just been given permission to be the centre of my own universe too. And what a tremendous feeling that was. You gotta love those Aspie gems.