FAQ

Frequently Asked Questions

Is Herscue Bergenstreiml your real name? Where did you get it? And how on earth do you pronounce it?

It is pronounced Her-skew Ber-gen-stry-mal, and unfortunately it is not my real name. I wish it was. It is quite spectacular. The name Herscue was given to me by Jomphrey. In his world of unconventional sound creation, the actual pronunciation is in high pitched dolphin speak “eeer – keee”. Jomphrey’s favourite word of all time, ‘Bergenstreiml’, I decided would make an excellent last name. Jomphrey named himself ‘Jomphrey’ many years ago, along with all of its derivatives; Farmer Jomphrey, Captain Jomphrey, Herr Jomphrey, Jompher, Jomphreyson and “Jomphrey of swimswimion”. He also named our daughter ‘Humphrey’ while she was in utero, baptising her through my belly button. No, I did not allow him to keep it.

What is ‘When Herscue met Jomphrey and other Tales from an Aspie Marriage’ about?

This book is a summary of my experiences in relationship with Jomphrey, a self-diagnosed Aspergian. Like laces, the story is woven around the edges between the neurotypical world and the world of Autism.  The story starts with our courting, and goes on to cover our experiences with the usual Autism related issues of executive functioning, obsessions and compulsions, rituals and routines, sensory processing, communication, perfectionistic behaviours (from us both), intimacy, parenting, transitioning, emotional regulation, grief, coping, and self-care. The story winds up with the gifts Asperger’s has brought to me. See Chapter Summaries for more details. Each chapter offers stories and reflections, which I find more engaging and easier to read than more formal writing styles.

But really, this book is about two very different humans, one a perfectionistic neurotypical (though the jury is out on that), and one a hilarious and quirky Aspie, trying to have a ‘normal’ relationship and find a way to be with each other. Yep. You can imagine where that headed. Off to a sad, frustrating, sometimes disturbing and frequently comical place. Until we gave up ‘normal’, that is. I mean until I gave ‘normal’. I was the one who had a lot invested in being ‘normal’. ‘When Herscue met Jomphrey’ shares my pain, my growth, and the place I have found to manage our different ways of being. It brings to readers a range of emotions, but most importantly hope. Here is what two others thought it was about:

 “When Herscue Met Jomphrey is a quirky, delightful, sometimes painful, darkly humorous account of a neurodiverse marriage. Narrating what it's like to live with an idiosyncratic Aspie husband, with unparalleled precision, insight and perfect timing, the book reads like the material of a standup comic! As entertaining as a popular novel, with the bittersweet pathos of film noir, I can imagine Aspies and their partners over the world knowingly nodding their heads. Clinicians alike would gain a deeper understanding of what really goes on inside a marriage where one person has Asperger's Syndrome.” -- Eva Mendes, Asperger/autism specialist, couples counselor, and author of 'Marriage and Lasting Relationships with Asperger's Syndrome: Successful Strategies for Couples and Counselors'

“The tale of Herscue and Jomphrey is not a tale of woe. It is a tale of hope, patience and commitment. Reading this book made me laugh, hold my breath in disbelief and nod my head in agreement. Bergenstreiml tells the story of her marriage to a very different and highly intelligent man with Asperger Syndrome. Their story is unique and unlike any that I have read; it is a joy to be able to share it with them. A must-have read for anyone seeking to develop a better understanding of AS/NT relationships.” -- Maxine Aston, counsellor, supervisor and author of 'The Other Half of Asperger Syndrome (Autism Spectrum Disorder)'

What made you want to write ‘When Herscue met Jomphrey andother Tales from an Aspie Marriage’?

As my married life unravelled, I knew that it was not quite like others’. It looked similar on the outside, struggling to buy a house, working hard, having a child, then a dog. But the insides were a bit different; odd behaviours (to me anyway), communication difficulties, meltdowns and sensory issues, compulsions and rigidity. Similar for many couples I know, but this seemed to be at a whole other level. When I would share stories, friends would shake their head in disbelief. Most would laugh. None had a name for it. I didn’t know until later what I was dealing with, but I did know I was experiencing something extraordinary. And wrapping my head around it was stretching me like the ‘Stretch Armstrong’ toy Jomphrey had given his best friend for his 40th birthday.


The need to make sense, to understand what was happening to me, and to share it, prompted me to write. And it turns out, I really, really like to write. I believe we all have a story to tell, and experiences to offer those we walk with in the world. I also believe that Autism is a bigger story we are only just starting to appreciate.

Why this blog?

Writing my story was such a powerful experience for me. Blogging seemed a great way for me to continue expressing myself and sharing my experiences with those in the world who are interested. My Welcome page, and Blogmission provides a more in depth explanation of the purpose.


What inspiration do you draw on to write?


Much of my writing comes from my experiences with Autism. The profound impact I see Autism having on people, myself included, never ceases to amaze me. In my interaction with those I love and work with, I continue to see, to grow, and to open. Painful experiences, funny experiences, frustrating, fearful or sad experiences, and shameful experiences, all present me with fodder for writing. It is how I make sense and process my life as it is. I am positive Autism is changing our world, one parent, one sibling, one teacher, one friend, one stranger at a time. That is inspiring to me.

Your Introduction suggests 6 ways to catch an Aspie. Can you say more?


I was very curious about how people end up with an Aspie partner. I spent quite some time reflecting on how this happened to me, and as a result I came up with a few possibilities for readers to consider and identify with. For a closer look, check out this extract: How to catch an Aspie: A fishing Tale. If you have another possible scenario, please be sure to share it at herscue@atthebergenstreimls.com

What is your favourite chapter and why?

I think my final chapter, “Gifts from an Aspie: A Tale of Silver Linings” was my favourite chapter. This was the chapter that brought together my fragmented Aspie experiences to reveal to me the meaning of it all. Here I got to explore and summarise what Autism has brought to me, as opposed to what Autism has taken from me.  Seeing it all wrapped up convinced me that while my experience had been frequently painful, something deep, mysterious and ultimately good was happening to me. This idea I had been toying with up until then, was no longer just a possibility; it became real for me. The uncertainty flipped into certainty. The evidence was overwhelming. I could finally agree that Autism was good for me.

Who is this book written for?

This book is suitable for anyone really. The most obvious audience is those who are living with a partner with Autism, or those with children on the Spectrum who will grow up and maybe someday partner someone else.  It is also for professionals who would like to understand more about neurodiverse relationships. This book is deeply insightful into the emotional worlds of those in a relationship where one identifies as an Aspie.  Finally, this book is for anyone who is curious, or likes to be entertained, shocked, moved, or taken on rollercoasters. It also suits those who like very candid accounts of human behaviour.  And sometimes disturbing human behaviour.


How has this book impacted your relationship with Jomphrey?


Jomphrey, an excellent editor and self proclaimed wordsmith, was invited to read and censure as he felt necessary. After all, he was the main character in the book. His initial reaction of, “You poor thing..... I can’t believe you have stayed married to me..... if this were you, I wouldn’t have,” blossomed into a deep appreciation of my empathy for him, and my ability to tolerate the diverse range of behaviour he brought to the table. Having never considered himself in such an intense way, I think Jomphrey was overwhelmed by this account of himself.

I felt grateful for Jomphrey’s acknowledgment of how tough it had been on me. He really saw the impact he had on me in a way he never had before. It led to many conversations about the way we do things.  It created a new level of transparency and authenticity. While he remained unsure why I stayed, the good news was that as I wrote this book, I became clearer why I stayed. Autism grew me, and I received just as much from him as he did from me. The benefits were clearly mutual. So overall, me writing the book, and Jomphrey reading it, has had an outstanding impact on our relationship.

How has your professional training helped with the way you manage living with Autism?


My first training as a Speech Pathologist, gave me a solid understanding of human development and communication in relation to Autism. While it helped me to perhaps better understand what I was dealing with, I found it limited me in some ways too. It made me more rigid in the way I viewed Autism and in the ways I attempted to deal with it. It also gave me the false expectation that I could ‘fix’ Autism on my own. I began to see me family as clients to be treated, which thank goodness they were very resistant to. So while it was helpful in some ways, it was unhelpful in other ways.

My second training in Counselling was most helpful in supporting my ability to live with Autism and support us all in the process. My understanding of our emotional worlds grew, and gave me a dimension I was previously missing. This lens allowed me to better understand Autism, and myself in relation to it. It helped me to see how important self-care was, and self-responsibility. It pointed out the many ways I was rescuing, and gave me a greater sense of my own and others’ boundaries. This was valuable in helping me to let go, and begin to claim a life for myself, while supporting those with Autism in healthier ways. It showed me a bigger picture that included more than just trying to ‘fit in’. It taught me about our right to be as we are. This has changed the way I see and ‘be’ with Autism. While it has not taken away the issues that emerge between Autistic and Neurotypical ways of being in our family, it has built my ability to respond more lovingly to all of us, and to make the changes I need to make. I recover quicker.
My professional training has also given me an increased capacity to reflect on my experiences, make sense of them and put words to them. While things can be very unclear at times, I am better able to tolerate it until clarity returns.


How is this book different from other books on AS and NT relationships?


I am sure my book is similar to others in terms of the issues that arise for reflection in NT-AS relationships, however, I think my approach to the issues may be a little different. With my humanistic and person centred lens, I believe it is not our right to force change onto others. I believe we are all intrinsically whole just as we are created, even if it looks very different from another. As a result, I see the biggest difference we can make is in the way we perceive and interact with Autism.

My journey with Autism has been one that has fostered self-reflection, self-responsibility, and self-empowerment  despite the challenges Autism brings. I see living with Autism as about owning our experience and working with that, as opposed to spending all our energy trying to change another to suit us. The focus is on us to be with Autism respectfully and lovingly, and this is not easy. My book speaks to the long hard journey of learning to do this.

You have many funny stories to tell in this book. What is your favourite story?


This is an extract from “When Herscue met Jomphrey”, that shares a recent funny story:

While sitting in the hair dresser’s chair this past week, I received a random text from Jomphrey, asking if I needed something from our favourite organic supermarket. Two pleasing things struck me. First he was thinking of my needs, and secondly, instead of “Hi honey, do you need anything from the supermarket?” as one may expect, I got the usual obscure presentation, “Hello crispbread, I am currently near the supermarket appropriating supplies for my countenance. Would you like me to gather any horz douvres for you to admire and possibly ingest? Scanty Cladder xxx”.
The originality of this message tickled me, as it does. I thought I would be clever too. Jomphrey enjoys my attempts at the bizarre. They don’t come off too often. Having nothing I needed, I texted, “Hi scanty, perhaps you could pick me up some Lembas bread for Samwise the Brave. He ate the last piece”. We were Lord of the Rings fans and I thought Jomphrey would enjoy my reply. We loved the scene that unfolded at the Pass of Cirith Ungol, where Gollum frames Samwise Gamgee for eating the last of the Lembas bread. Jomphrey texted back, “Is this your actual request rumny guts? Dude doesn’t want to come across as stupid”.
Wondering if he was experimenting with sarcasm and hoping he would get my reply if he was not, I responded with, “Just ask the Elves of Lothlorien. They will show you where it is”. Chuckling at my budding creativity, I put my phone down and went to the wash basin for the rinse.
Upon returning to my chair I could see the little yellow envelope that told me a message was waiting on my phone. Upon clicking it I read, “I just looked like dick because of you!!!!” While Jomphrey was a master at creating elusive meanings, he was by no means a master at picking them up. He had gone into the supermarket and studied the 20 different varieties of bread in search of Lembas bread. He asked a young store person (an Elf of Lothlorien), who had not heard of Lembas bread either. Very helpfully, the young man went to get his supervisor who ordered all of the bread for the supermarket. Standing face to face with the busy and irritated Supervisor, Jomphrey asked her if she stocked Lembas bread. She very curtly told him that there was no such thing, and marched off. Jomphrey, confused by this response went back to his car and googled Lembas bread. He discovered that short of a trip to Middle Earth, it was unlikely he would find this Elven bread today.
Apart from getting great mileage out of this incident (I can still feel the soreness of my abdominals from the laughter), I get to live large parts of my life scrambling around the edges, examining the cracks in the weaving of my life with this funny, unique and fiercely loyal Aspie’s. He takes me to the edge, yet brings me to the ground to study the very fabric of what it means to be human in this world. Day in day out. Moment by moment.

What does a writing occasion look like for you?


Usually a writing episode comes after being triggered by Autism or having a BFO (a Blinding Flash of the Obvious). As soon as I can, out comes my pad and pen. Next, there are periods of intense concentration and personal reflection interspersed with visits to the kettle, the pantry and the dogs’ bed. I need these frequent breaks especially when I am sniffing around one of my blind spots. I know it is going to be a big one when I go hunting for chips. When looking for a chip, no rice cake or cracker will cut it. When I realise what I am doing, I head back to the pad and into my blind spot. Like giving birth, it feels hideous while it is happening, but the relief afterwards is phenomenal.

Is there anything else in the pipelines?

As a matter of fact, I have just spent a year writing another two books. They are both in with Editor Jomphrey as we speak. One is a follow up of ‘When Herscue met Jomphrey’, and contains more pocketfuls of stories and reflections. The second was a much bigger undertaking. This is a culmination of my exploration into the invitation Autism has given us all. I won’t mention too much, but stay tuned....... Hopefully it won’t take as long as the first one.