Top 10 things I want my ASD partner to know.......

1.   I frequently feel split. Sometimes I love and admire you so much I could burst. Other times I am so challenged by your way of being I do burst. All over both of us. Sorry about that.

2.   I am sorry if I seem critical, or if it feels like I want to change you. Sometimes I struggle with what you do and how you respond. I love you and I want us to work so much. The only way I know how is to try and make you and me better.

 

3.   Sometimes you trigger something deep in me that really hurts. I don’t always know how to manage that. I may need some time to work out if the issue is mine or yours or both of ours. You are a great mirror. You help me see my own wounds. I am learning to deal with these.

 

4.   I appreciate your loyalty to me. I would love to see it extend to thinking or wondering more about my needs, or even asking how you could help me. Sometimes I feel alone managing all that I do. I like to feel that you are there.

 

5.   Hello! I am here! I know you get very busy and absorbed doing what you do, but sometimes I feel forgotten. Come and pat me, tell me you love me, ask me what I am doing. Show me that you know I am here.

 

6.   I know you get very frustrated and it is hard to manage those feelings. But you need to know when you let loose all that rage, it frightens me. I may shout back or withdraw from you, but that is what I do to manage my feelings. I am always looking for a different way but sometimes I can’t find one.

 

7.   I would like to develop strategies with you. It is hard to do without patronising or criticising you, or making you feel small. Sometimes my word choice is clumsy. I want to support you to take responsibility for your feelings and actions, just as I am trying to take responsibility for mine.

8.   Sometimes I get so overwhelmed with all I cannot control, that I feel helpless and hopeless. I know you know this feeling. Please don’t feel bad. I am just exhausted and struggling to find new ways to understand, to see, and to be with our life together.

9.   I love how you are different from others and I celebrate your uniqueness and your gifts. But sometimes I struggle with that difference when it shows up in ways that expose us both. I am trying to let go of my attachment to ‘normal’, but it is deeply entrenched in me. I want you to be free to be who you are. Sometimes I forget that it is OK.

10.  Sometimes I want more companionship, conversation or intimacy from you than you may feel ready or able to give. Rather than try to manipulate you or force you, I will try to take responsibility for this and manage my needs through other appropriate channels. I love us both enough to honour your need for solitude, and my need for connection.

While I am at it I will just add 3 more:

11.  Sometimes I am awkward around you. I want to say something but I don’t know how to tell you in a way that will not hurt your feelings, or make you anxious and angry. I want you to know I still love you, even when I have unpleasant things to say.

12.  I know you do not like to be interrupted, but sometimes life happens unexpectedly and I have to interrupt you because I need to consult with you, get your opinion, or get your assistance. We are a team and that is how a team works.

13. When I am distressed, I just need you to listen. You don’t have to fix anything or tell me what you think. You just need to pay attention to me and to say “I’m sorry that happened”, or “Is there anything I can do?” This tells me you care about me and I feel heard and loved.

 

Top 10 ways to find Peace with Autism

1.     Find the boundaries of what we can and cannot control. When we know this, we know when to push, when to hold and when to let go. We learn to honour others and ourselves and go with the process. We conserve energy too.

2.     Recognise others’ rights to self determination and autonomy. This helps us accept the choices of others, including our Autistic loved ones. When we take over inappropriately, without invitation, we enable, we create helplessness, and massive power struggles.

3.     Allow others to own their decisions, the outcomes and their feelings about it. This helps us stop taking responsibility for feelings that do not belong to us, and interfering or rescuing unnecessarily. We all learn more fully when we can own our decisions and feelings and what they bring to us. Our ASD loved ones need this skill to face the world and function effectively. We need to stand beside them, not in front of them.

4.     Let go of the need for others approval. This can complicate our lives tremendously and cause much internal conflict. Gaining approval is a lot of work and can steer us from the real issues at hand. Autism can be hard to please, and we need to accept that or we will be eggshell walking for life.

5.     Let go of ideas of normal/abnormal, right/wrong. When we open up to possibilities that don’t involve these, we become more accepting of the way things are, and reduce our internal conflict immensely. No longer do we feel the need to force things into boxes and make things fit. What freedom.

6.     Let go of unnecessary rules. Some rules keep us safe and we need these, but many rules need to be questioned and let go. Can you adequately explain why we need to use a knife and fork besides, ‘because that is what we are supposed to do’? Trying to keep all the usual rules in Autism is stressful.

7.     Drop expectation. It is OK to be imperfect, make mistakes and fail. That is what people do. To give ourselves permission to do this on the Autism journey will help reduce our angst to get it ‘right’. It will help us let go when others are imperfect too. We are really just making it up as we go along. Without too many expectations, we can see other possibilities.

8.     Believe others are intrinsically good. People really do want to help, especially if they sense we respect them. When we are open, others open too. Life gets smoother when we work with the knowledge that people are intrinsically good, even when they are having bad days, or months or years.

9.     Accept the wholeness of others. We all have many sides and are capable of many things (likeable and unlikeable). When we are adamant that our loved ones are to be a certain way and we shame them for not being that way, we can create a rod for our own backs. We can create power struggles that absorb us. We need to look deeply, honestly and compassionately when we and others choose challenging ways to behave.

10. Accept ASD is here to grow us and others. It is wonderful to consider the benefits of Autism to the world. Autism is changing us all. When we feel and work with such a sense of purpose, we flow more smoothly and our challenging times become part of the process. Our outlook is hopeful and we can find a silver lining anywhere. 

Top 10 Ways Autism grows us

Top 10 Ways Autism grows us:

1.    Autism slows us down. While many of us speed up to begin our attack on ASD, in the end, we learn to stop. ASD is not compatible with our crazy fast world. Their sensory life is just not suited. Autism lives in its own sweet time and we have no choice but to end up joining it. And we all benefit. 

2.    Autism builds patience. There is nothing like Autism to help us learn this one. Autism leaves us with little choice as we learn to wait, to honour, to allow. We discover a lot about ourselves and Autism as we let go of force.

3.    Autism removes our blinkers and puts us in touch with a greater reality. We explore the space outside of ‘normal’ and it is an amazing place. There is so much uniqueness and beauty, and so much potential here. Life looks very different from the edges.

4.    Autism alters priorities. Suddenly the things we think matter, do not any longer. We find more important things in life than those traditionally valued. We come to value connection, empathy, kindness, small steps, honesty, and authenticity among many other things. We value time out, and cups of tea. These matter more than what we have and what others think.

5.   Autism stops us grasping for control. We learn that we cannot control another person, we cannot control Autism, and we cannot control what is around the corner. We learn to let go, so we can survive. Trying too hard, forcing square pegs, takes too much from us.

6.    Autism teaches us about power. We learn when to hold on and when to let go. We learn how to use the power we have to make a difference where and when we can. We learn to take responsibility for ourselves and our own business.

7.    Autism builds resilience. Through the many Autism trials, we learn to hold our own. We learn to advocate for our loved ones and ourselves. We get through so much that we become efficient at ‘getting through’. Our skins get tougher and our resources grow.

8.    Autism builds empathy. Autism teaches us about challenge and struggle, as we are pulled into their world. We learn to feel deeply and be with others as they feel deeply. We understand our own and others’ pain. And we feel the joy too.  

9.    Autism deepens us. Autism takes us from skimming life’s surface, into the guts of it. The surface of life loses its interest and we seek deeper connections and deeper understanding. We have to in order to be with Autism.

10.Autism puts us in touch with our wounds and our healing. We get to face all those parts of ourselves that add to our pain and struggle. This is what we have to work with. Autism shows us these wounds and encourages us to seek the connection that helps us to heal.