The Angry Aspie

Dear Herscue and Jomphrey,

Sometimes my Aspie partner gets furious when something does not work. He shouts and swears and throws things. Sometimes he hurts himself. How can I manage this?

Herscue says:

It can be distressing and unpleasant to hear someone we care about having such a loud and intense expression of anger. We can feel frightened, intimidated and even threatened. A few things can help these situations:

·         Taking care of ourselves in the moment. This is not the time to express our feelings to our partner, but to look after our needs and create physical and emotional safety. That may look like removing ourselves to another room, or to another location.

·         Exploring our reaction to the anger. The way we react can help or hinder. What is our relationship to anger as expressed by others? As expressed by ourselves? Where is our line? Is our line allowing enough room for some anger expression? Or is our line over exposing us to too much unhealthy anger expression? It can help to explore our experience of anger with a professional, who can support us to reflect on our boundaries, and take responsibility for how we respond.

·         Finding empathy for the frustration our partner is experiencing. We all know what it is like when something won’t do what we want or need. Empathy can help us stay in a more loving, respectful, and less judgmental space when we deal with others’ anger.

·         Remembering that we cannot control when, why and how someone expresses their anger, but we can express how it is for us. Choose a calm, open time to do this, and express authentically eg, “I feel helpless and scared when you are so angry. I want to offer you support but I don’t know how to do it. Do you have any suggestions for me?” Work together towards solutions that suit both partners.

·         Being clear about the forms of anger expression we will not tolerate ie: anger expressed directly at us, intense expressions around children. Share the concerns and the actions we will take to hold that boundary ie: When you direct your anger at me, I feel unsafe and fearful of you. It impacts the way I feel towards you. To look after myself, I will be leaving the house when I see you escalating.”

Don’t expect an easy solution. Remember that neural wiring impacts on our ability to regulate emotion. Those with Asperger’s are frequently distressed at their challenges managing their emotions and the impact this can have on others. It takes time to develop a different way. For all of us. The dialogue about anger is an ongoing one to be had without blaming and shaming. Anger is best dealt with in a loving way, one human to another.

Jomphrey Says:

Firstly, if everyone says Aspies have meltdowns, then your partner is probably having a meltdown. You married one and this is what we do. The Aspie is the one with the problem here. Something has tipped them off balance. It’s not directed at you. My advice is one in, all in. You yell and scream at that thing as well. Really give it some. Share the outrage and be amazed as the situation de-escalates quickly. Then you can worry about your feelings later with your counsellor, priest and all your support team. This is acknowledging. They feel very alone, the Asperger.

Neurodiverse Communication

Dear Herscue and Jomphrey,

I wish my Asperger's husband would notice when I need help and offer. I always hope he will notice how busy and stressed I am, but he doesn’t. I feel alone and unsupported. How can I change this?

Jess QLD

 

Herscue says:

I resonate deeply with this challenge, and I am sure many others do too. We all like to be ‘seen’ in our struggle and to be supported accordingly. It would be nice if our partners could offer this. I believe they can offer us support. It just may not involve reading our minds or reading the situation.

I think it is important that we pay attention to the stories we tell ourselves about our partners and the ‘lack of support’. Some of my favourite stories are, “He doesn’t care about me”, “He’s self-obsessed”, and “I am not important enough to help”. These stories are often untrue, but their effects can be devastating to us, and divisive in our relationships. These stories can contribute to feelings of powerlessness, and they build resentment and encourage us to act in ways that are not helpful or aligned with our values.

This is also an opportunity to explore how we feel about asking for help. Times like this expose our fears to ask for the help we need. Do we feel able to ask our partner and are we ready for their response? We cannot control that response, but we can work out what to do next. We may need to nurse our disappointment (or our grief). We may have to look other places for the support we need. We probably need to alter what we expect. We may not be acknowledging our partner's challenges with executive functioning (organisational skills), and verbal processing. And we may be demanding too much of ourselves to compensate, and unduly stressing ourselves. Or we may be surprised as our partner actually helps us. Our new story may be, “I can get the support I need if I ask someone.” We are responsible for getting the help we need, just as we are responsible for our feelings about it. The Aspies in our lives teach us this.

Jomphrey says:

Your Aspie partner is not a mind reader. Your Aspie partner works on directive literality eg: “See that bin there? Take it out to the curb side.” By the way, what you wish for and what is steeped in reality may be two different things. There is no way known that your husband has changed in this regard over the course of your relationship. He is consistent. He hasn’t changed. You knew what you were getting yourself into. If you want something done, my advice is these three words: “Don’t wish – direct”.