An Aspie Gem

I received a wonderful dose of reality checking this morning. Sometimes we can overestimate how important, how central we are in the life of our Aspies. In fact, we can get quite caught up in the story that we are essential to their functioning, and therefore we station ourselves nearby, and make ourselves constantly available.  We are like a mobile tower, except we receive Aspie signals. This role usually evolved as we struggled early on in our lives together. There have indeed been times when we have been very necessary.

Despite many of us coming to realise this role's capacity to enable the Aspies in our vicinity, we may still slip into it like a favourite old coat. Being central has helped us anticipate, respond and keep order in our house over the years. Not to mention, how it has helped reduce everyone’s anxiety, including our own.   

As a self appointed receiver of Aspie frequencies, I regularly assume my family members need to know where I am at all times, and also when I will not be available to fulfil their needs or their whims (and what they should do because of it). It was while wearing this favourite old coat this morning, that I began to inform my Aspie husband Jomphrey, of what I would be doing, “After breakfast, I am doing some tidying before I start work on my computer....... in case you were wondering,” I added casually. 

Jomphrey stared at me blankly before replying, “But I never wonder.”

Pause. Instantaneously, my thoughts scattered in several directions. One pulled me to that place I frequented for many years (BAC – Before Autism Consciousness); that place of the mortally offended, “You never think about me, selfish thoughtless man!” This neural pathway was deeply embedded. But I knew this was not about selfishness and thoughtlessness. Jomphrey’s head was full of thoughts about rocks, exercise, and interesting sounds. I had long accepted that no matter how still I stood, I could not pass off as a rock.

Another thought went to the place of awe, “My goodness, another pearl has dropped out of his mouth!” His truthfulness, his immediacy, never ceased to shock and amaze me. It was a good thing I was learning to enjoy the truth more than the ‘kind’ white lies that many of us latch onto to break a fall. Jomphrey would have struggled to show interest or answer with, “Thanks, I appreciate you keeping me in the loop.” Within seconds of Jomphrey’s real answer, I knew that my information sharing was superfluous. In my ‘helpful haze’ I had forgotten.

And then my final thought went to the place of recognition and relief, “Yes! That’s right! I am not the centre of his universe!”  The truth be known, I am barely in the same solar system at times. I do not need to orbit around him (or our Aspie daughter Humphrey) like a planet (or a servant). I had been once again assuming I was existing for them. What a lovely reminder for me that I can have my own pocket of space. I had just been given permission to be the centre of my own universe too. And what a tremendous feeling that was. You gotta love those Aspie gems.