Dear
Herscue and Jomphrey,
Sometimes
my Aspie partner gets furious when something does not work. He shouts and
swears and throws things. Sometimes he hurts himself. How can I manage this?
Herscue
says:
It can be
distressing and unpleasant to hear someone we care about having such a loud and
intense expression of anger. We can feel frightened, intimidated and even
threatened. A few things can help these situations:
·
Taking care of ourselves in the
moment. This is not
the time to express our feelings to our partner, but to look after our needs
and create physical and emotional safety. That may look like removing ourselves
to another room, or to another location.
·
Exploring our reaction to the anger. The way we react can help or
hinder. What is our relationship to anger as expressed by others? As expressed
by ourselves? Where is our line? Is our line allowing enough room for some anger
expression? Or is our line over exposing us to too much unhealthy anger
expression? It can help to explore our experience of anger with a professional,
who can support us to reflect on our boundaries, and take responsibility for
how we respond.
·
Finding empathy for the frustration
our partner is experiencing.
We all know what it is like when something won’t do what we want or need.
Empathy can help us stay in a more loving, respectful, and less judgmental
space when we deal with others’ anger.
·
Remembering that we cannot control
when, why and how someone expresses their anger, but we can express how it is for
us. Choose a calm, open time to do this, and express authentically eg, “I feel
helpless and scared when you are so angry. I want to offer you support but I
don’t know how to do it. Do you have any suggestions for me?” Work together towards
solutions that suit both partners.
·
Being clear about the forms of anger
expression we will not tolerate
ie: anger expressed directly at us, intense expressions around children. Share
the concerns and the actions we will take to hold that boundary ie: When you
direct your anger at me, I feel unsafe and fearful of you. It impacts the way I
feel towards you. To look after myself, I will be leaving the house when I see
you escalating.”
Don’t
expect an easy solution. Remember that neural wiring impacts on our ability to
regulate emotion. Those with Asperger’s are frequently distressed at their
challenges managing their emotions and the impact this can have on others. It
takes time to develop a different way. For all of us. The dialogue about anger
is an ongoing one to be had without blaming and shaming. Anger is best dealt
with in a loving way, one human to another.
Jomphrey
Says:
Firstly, if
everyone says Aspies have meltdowns, then your partner is probably having a
meltdown. You married one and this is what we do. The Aspie is the one with the
problem here. Something has tipped them off balance. It’s not directed at you.
My advice is one in, all in. You yell and scream at that thing as well. Really
give it some. Share the outrage and be amazed as the situation de-escalates
quickly. Then you can worry about your feelings later with your counsellor,
priest and all your support team. This is acknowledging. They feel very alone,
the Asperger. 