Top 10 ways to find Peace with Autism

1.     Find the boundaries of what we can and cannot control. When we know this, we know when to push, when to hold and when to let go. We learn to honour others and ourselves and go with the process. We conserve energy too.

2.     Recognise others’ rights to self determination and autonomy. This helps us accept the choices of others, including our Autistic loved ones. When we take over inappropriately, without invitation, we enable, we create helplessness, and massive power struggles.

3.     Allow others to own their decisions, the outcomes and their feelings about it. This helps us stop taking responsibility for feelings that do not belong to us, and interfering or rescuing unnecessarily. We all learn more fully when we can own our decisions and feelings and what they bring to us. Our ASD loved ones need this skill to face the world and function effectively. We need to stand beside them, not in front of them.

4.     Let go of the need for others approval. This can complicate our lives tremendously and cause much internal conflict. Gaining approval is a lot of work and can steer us from the real issues at hand. Autism can be hard to please, and we need to accept that or we will be eggshell walking for life.

5.     Let go of ideas of normal/abnormal, right/wrong. When we open up to possibilities that don’t involve these, we become more accepting of the way things are, and reduce our internal conflict immensely. No longer do we feel the need to force things into boxes and make things fit. What freedom.

6.     Let go of unnecessary rules. Some rules keep us safe and we need these, but many rules need to be questioned and let go. Can you adequately explain why we need to use a knife and fork besides, ‘because that is what we are supposed to do’? Trying to keep all the usual rules in Autism is stressful.

7.     Drop expectation. It is OK to be imperfect, make mistakes and fail. That is what people do. To give ourselves permission to do this on the Autism journey will help reduce our angst to get it ‘right’. It will help us let go when others are imperfect too. We are really just making it up as we go along. Without too many expectations, we can see other possibilities.

8.     Believe others are intrinsically good. People really do want to help, especially if they sense we respect them. When we are open, others open too. Life gets smoother when we work with the knowledge that people are intrinsically good, even when they are having bad days, or months or years.

9.     Accept the wholeness of others. We all have many sides and are capable of many things (likeable and unlikeable). When we are adamant that our loved ones are to be a certain way and we shame them for not being that way, we can create a rod for our own backs. We can create power struggles that absorb us. We need to look deeply, honestly and compassionately when we and others choose challenging ways to behave.

10. Accept ASD is here to grow us and others. It is wonderful to consider the benefits of Autism to the world. Autism is changing us all. When we feel and work with such a sense of purpose, we flow more smoothly and our challenging times become part of the process. Our outlook is hopeful and we can find a silver lining anywhere. 

Feeling Exhausted?

Self-care Challenge........

Stay in pyjamas all day. I don’t really understand why our everyday clothes are not as comfortable as pyjamas. Does anyone else know why? I love soft cotton stretchy pyjamas that don’t bite in when I roll over. The type you can wear so you don’t wake with a fright wondering whose hand is touching you (because your own pyjama numbed arm hasn’t let blood in for 8 hours). Since it is so hard to find day clothes like this, I propose wearing pyjamas all day, then back to bed again that night. Silence any voices, inner or outer, that call you a stinker, a bag lady, a dag, or a frump. In some countries they only bath once a week.

Neurodiverse Communication

Dear Herscue and Jomphrey,

I wish my Asperger's husband would notice when I need help and offer. I always hope he will notice how busy and stressed I am, but he doesn’t. I feel alone and unsupported. How can I change this?

Jess QLD

 

Herscue says:

I resonate deeply with this challenge, and I am sure many others do too. We all like to be ‘seen’ in our struggle and to be supported accordingly. It would be nice if our partners could offer this. I believe they can offer us support. It just may not involve reading our minds or reading the situation.

I think it is important that we pay attention to the stories we tell ourselves about our partners and the ‘lack of support’. Some of my favourite stories are, “He doesn’t care about me”, “He’s self-obsessed”, and “I am not important enough to help”. These stories are often untrue, but their effects can be devastating to us, and divisive in our relationships. These stories can contribute to feelings of powerlessness, and they build resentment and encourage us to act in ways that are not helpful or aligned with our values.

This is also an opportunity to explore how we feel about asking for help. Times like this expose our fears to ask for the help we need. Do we feel able to ask our partner and are we ready for their response? We cannot control that response, but we can work out what to do next. We may need to nurse our disappointment (or our grief). We may have to look other places for the support we need. We probably need to alter what we expect. We may not be acknowledging our partner's challenges with executive functioning (organisational skills), and verbal processing. And we may be demanding too much of ourselves to compensate, and unduly stressing ourselves. Or we may be surprised as our partner actually helps us. Our new story may be, “I can get the support I need if I ask someone.” We are responsible for getting the help we need, just as we are responsible for our feelings about it. The Aspies in our lives teach us this.

Jomphrey says:

Your Aspie partner is not a mind reader. Your Aspie partner works on directive literality eg: “See that bin there? Take it out to the curb side.” By the way, what you wish for and what is steeped in reality may be two different things. There is no way known that your husband has changed in this regard over the course of your relationship. He is consistent. He hasn’t changed. You knew what you were getting yourself into. If you want something done, my advice is these three words: “Don’t wish – direct”.

The Blurt

It is hard to imagine that we could reframe a ‘blurt’ into something worthy. We have all been on the end of a ‘blurt’ from our Aspie, and after we got over the shock, the hurt or the outrage, we may have felt sure we had to stop the flow of blurts into the world. There is a reason blurt rhymes with hurt.

Yet while we have all been victims of the ‘blurt’, we have all been the perpetrator of the ‘blurt’ too. We have all had times when our mouth has had its own agenda, and some cosmic force used us as a puppet. It has happened to the best of us, and rarely do we have the intent to cause the harm it seems to.

It is interesting then, that when we are on the receiving end of a ‘blurt’, we can feel mortally wounded. Perhaps it is because we know deep down, that what comes forth from the mouth of the blurter, comes from some other place. A place where there is less time to add layers of distortion or untruth upon it. The words arrive without the interference of the censor button, and are delivered straight in the space between blurter and blurtee. Blurted words lay there between one person’s surprise and another’s humiliation (especially if we have a usually working censor). These words may be more authentic and truthful than we care to know. Like salt on a wound, they sting our most tender spots.

What is considered a ‘blurt’ from an Aspie, is really authenticity. It is unadulterated, clean thoughts straight from their heads. If we can learn to get over ourselves and stop judging the package it arrived in, we will see the gold. The Aspie has delivered a message that could be exactly what we needed to hear. It has been my experience over and over. Of course we probably won’t like what we hear. There is a reason the ‘blurt’ is so unpopular. But if we can put down our pride for a moment, we may realise that it is a little gift. Horribly wrapped, but a gift nevertheless.

Just the other day, Humphrey (my now 15 year old ASD daughter) took an out loud note of my ‘back bosoms’. You know that little roll of fat that appears over your bra strap? It makes for a double muffin top; one down over our jeans and one higher up our back.

Now while I could have run with this in many directions, I found myself standing in front of her with my hands up in surrender, “You got me on that one!” I knew those air chips were not really air because the more I ate of them, the bigger those back bosoms grew. I just wanted to pretend it was something else that was completely out of my control. You know, like a middle aged spread or a thyroid condition. I had hoped only I noticed them. Clearly I was not the only one.

Who knows how many air chips I may have gone on to consume? I could have got as far as ankle bosoms and diabetes. Thanks to Humphrey’s lack of diplomacy, I got the reality check that no one else in their social politeness was going to give me. And it didn’t look like I was going to give one to myself.

Maybe it is not ‘shame on the Aspie’ for blurting, but ‘shame on us’ for pretending. Coating our truths in layers of fairy floss, the truth is hard to find. I am not advocating the hurtful blurt, but I am offering another possible way to see the ‘blurt’. We will never fully control what comes out of another’s mouth, nor do we have the right. We can however, control how we see it, where we put it, and what we do with it in response when it comes our way.

And we can support our Aspie loved ones to own their own Truth as their reality, their view, as opposed to an absolute one and only reality. We can encourage them to offer their truth accordingly, and in a way that may be more palatable for a world unready for such intense honesty. And while we are at it, instead of pretending not to see in order to avoid offending others, we can commit to sharing honestly and lovingly for the benefit of us all. There is a part for each of us to play.

Top 10 Ways Autism grows us

Top 10 Ways Autism grows us:

1.    Autism slows us down. While many of us speed up to begin our attack on ASD, in the end, we learn to stop. ASD is not compatible with our crazy fast world. Their sensory life is just not suited. Autism lives in its own sweet time and we have no choice but to end up joining it. And we all benefit. 

2.    Autism builds patience. There is nothing like Autism to help us learn this one. Autism leaves us with little choice as we learn to wait, to honour, to allow. We discover a lot about ourselves and Autism as we let go of force.

3.    Autism removes our blinkers and puts us in touch with a greater reality. We explore the space outside of ‘normal’ and it is an amazing place. There is so much uniqueness and beauty, and so much potential here. Life looks very different from the edges.

4.    Autism alters priorities. Suddenly the things we think matter, do not any longer. We find more important things in life than those traditionally valued. We come to value connection, empathy, kindness, small steps, honesty, and authenticity among many other things. We value time out, and cups of tea. These matter more than what we have and what others think.

5.   Autism stops us grasping for control. We learn that we cannot control another person, we cannot control Autism, and we cannot control what is around the corner. We learn to let go, so we can survive. Trying too hard, forcing square pegs, takes too much from us.

6.    Autism teaches us about power. We learn when to hold on and when to let go. We learn how to use the power we have to make a difference where and when we can. We learn to take responsibility for ourselves and our own business.

7.    Autism builds resilience. Through the many Autism trials, we learn to hold our own. We learn to advocate for our loved ones and ourselves. We get through so much that we become efficient at ‘getting through’. Our skins get tougher and our resources grow.

8.    Autism builds empathy. Autism teaches us about challenge and struggle, as we are pulled into their world. We learn to feel deeply and be with others as they feel deeply. We understand our own and others’ pain. And we feel the joy too.  

9.    Autism deepens us. Autism takes us from skimming life’s surface, into the guts of it. The surface of life loses its interest and we seek deeper connections and deeper understanding. We have to in order to be with Autism.

10.Autism puts us in touch with our wounds and our healing. We get to face all those parts of ourselves that add to our pain and struggle. This is what we have to work with. Autism shows us these wounds and encourages us to seek the connection that helps us to heal.